June 19, 2003, 4:54 a.m.
In the [ last article ], I discussed how submission is a multi-step process of exploration. If you have not read the beginning, please do so before continuing. Enjoy.
Bits & Pieces
Submission, just like any facet of life is experienced on a moment to moment, day by day basis. It's not only very hard to see the future of our actions from this standpoint, but it's usually rare that we take the time to step back and look at what we're doing in relation to where we're going. This does not mean that our daily activities are unimportant or unrelated to our development as a whole. Any act, regardless of how small, can have a far-reaching impact on our life and our psyche. The most obvious time we can see this effect is when something goes wrong.
The immediate sensation of failure during D/s play can be so strong that sometimes, the effects are irreversible. Coupled with a desire to please, failure leads to a sense of disappointment that acts like acid on a sub's self-esteem. This is exactly what happens with me. I experience one scene at a time, and find it near impossible to remember my successes whenever I see that I have failed again. As my experiences grow in complexity, so do my failures. It is otherwise impossible to grow in depth. It's possible to continue branching out, like water on a table, testing each and every facet of the Scene, but never really going any deeper.
But to touch those inner reaches of myself, it is necessary to build that puddle into a deep lake. I must experience continually more difficult and strenuous activities. But, does this really help me get over the smaller fears and worries? While I'm in a hard scene, and I'm attempting something difficult, am I really thinking "well, that -other- scene was cake compared to this"? No, of course not. I'm focusing on that one scene then and there. I'm thinking about my current goals, my current desire to please, and if it is the case, on my current failure to complete the activity.
Sensless Acts?
We do grow from these daily activities, but does postliminary introspection provide us with enough wealth to grow positively in this way? There are times when significant events effect us and change our lives permanently, and perhaps irreparably. But what of these little acts? Do they go to waste simply because they don't have a noticeable impact on our life? Are they worthless because we do not analyze them for each individual second? Rather, do they go to waste if we do not plan ahead
Why don't we? If we act without thought, then perhaps our what we do -is- meaningless. But if there is some greater goal in our sights, then each act, no matter how small will be relevant to our growth. Moreso, moment by moment reflection is not necessary if we have decided at the end of which path we wish to find ourselves. But that brings us back to the topic at hand. The question is not, which dream is the best. That's a personal decision. The question is, how do you figure out which little thoughts you should focus on?
The Ever-Evolving Whole
Over time, you can step back and examine just what your life has offered you. You can think about the various experiences and how, because of them coupled with your unique personality and beliefs, you have come to be at the current moment. We constantly evolve in this way, usually without noticing the process. Sprinkled in this time are the little dreams that eventually cause the itch of desire towards the bigger dreams. Usually, we don't typically sit and think on what to daydream over; we just do it. But this can be a dangerous trap.
Life is a compilation of constant choices. What you choose determines how your life is spent, or perhaps wasted. Good and bad experiences continue the development of our personality. On the other hand, good choices allow us to grow towards our dreams, while bad choices hinder, halt or even reverse what progress we've made so far. For example, in the case of bdsm, a bad experience with a good partner can teach us several things: limits, desires, current ability and understanding. A bad -choice- however can result in anything from wasted time to loss of respect to irreparable physical harm.
Making Choices
So it comes down to choice. To some extent, it is necessary that we purposefully put effort into deciding which daydreams and fantasies to linger on. This is very similar to [ Meno's Paradox ]. I said earlier that this whole question is not to determine what your larger values should be. But how can you decide on which road to walk, when you don't even know where you're going? The choice must be made consciously if the dream is to be obtained, so there must be some what of knowing how to choose. Whether or not you have any idea where you'd like to end up in the world of bdsm, whether your long term goals even involve the scene -at all-, this is actually much easier than this article posits.
Determining Values
Everyone, even vanillas, must decide for themselves what they value. What are the things in your life that you hold above all else; that in fact, determine how you will react in any given situation? If you can not answer this, then you will never be able to make an informed choice. If your values contradict your fantasies, either you have not solidified your values just yet, or you are wasting your time dreaming about something you'll never accomplish in the end. "Is this daydream compatible with what I value in my life or does it linger on the absolute fantastic?" If you are at least aware of those limits, and know when your imagination has crossed the line then that's a start.
The best case scenario is simply, figure out what it is you hold dear in life, then seek out dreams that exploit your happiness to the fullest. Anything less is cheating yourself, and anything more is quite possibly, unobtainable.
