April 23, 2003, 1:58 p.m.
My entire life, I've known I was a masochist, and I've repeatedly thought about being in submissive roles. Going beyond just daydreams and fantasies, I have found that I enjoy being in a position of second-in-command or assistant to someone greater than myself. I am certainly capable of leading, and truth be told, I also have an active sadistic Dominant side. But this journal is dedicated to my journey into submission. Why?
As a dominant, I seem to be acutely aware of what it takes to push a person where they want to go, but can't on their own. It is an inate understanding for me, very strong and easily wielded upon those who wish to see it. There is always room to learn, but as I feel so comfortable with my Dominant side, and actively use it in my daily life, I don't feel a need to throw it into the limelight for introspection. My submissive side is something I strongly desire to explore, but seem to have difficulty with.
I personally believe the strongest side to any BDSM play is the mental aspect. What can be done with a person who not only allows it, but wants it too? Safe, sane & consensual are the rules but ultimately control is mental. You can tie a person down and violate them, but you aren't winning them over, much less "breaking" them properly. BDSM is about walking down a path both people desire to explore, only one person has volunteered to take the lead, and the other has agreed to follow. Some people refer to this dance as a "trust game", and to some extent it is. It can be very playful and light-hearted. It can also be a serious endeavor that two people decide to work on together to solidify the existing trust they already have.
I did not know about the terms BDSM until about age 18, and did not have any community exposure for about another year. Several years later, I have meandered my way into the view of some real practitioners, not just fantasy role-players. I have found mentors and a wealth of advice that can only come from friends with real experience. As I continue to walk this path, I must extend a thank you to everyone who is helping me along the way. You know who you are... you have my gratitude and loyalty.