February 29, 2004, 4:28 p.m.
Prelude: It has been observed by those who read this site that my updates have all but come to a stop. To be brief about my absence, I'll say that I have been hesitant to approach this subject, as I continually find more and more in conflict with my values. I have not wanted to write about something I have not been practicing, that seems to be on the verge of disappearance from my life. This article was supposed to be about trust, but as I began to work on it, I realized I was heading towards a conclusion that would not promote a positive attitude towards submission for myself. I know that I'm under no obligation to push myself one way or another, but for the mean time, here's an article to chew on. The Trust article will eventually be posted, but I can't say when. As always, responses are welcomed. Finally, a special thank you to all who have written to me in the past few months. I am always pleased to hear from my audience.
It is difficult for me to perceive a world in which the choices that govern our actions are irrelevant and unimportant to the way we live our lives. Conscious choices solidify and define our character to others. While we exist within our mind and dwell upon our thoughts, we also exist in the eyes and lives of those around us. And because we have both words and actions to prove ourselves, the choices we make become a fundamental fulcrum by which we can be defined.
So what does it say about an action, and the person, when choice is no longer a governing factor in their lives? If someone were to make choices for you, what does this mean? Here in the real world, you always have a choice. Even in the most extreme circumstances, choice is always available. I'm going to draw a 'reasonable' line in the sand here and assume that while it is possible to find yourself in a situation where life has become unbearable and there is absolutely no way to end it, those who read these articles will probably not find themselves in such a dire situation.
This past week I've been rereading "The Claiming of Sleeping Beauty" (Anne Rice writing as A.N. Roquelaure). I'd like to state first off that this is not a favorite book of mine, simply because I find the choice of language to be fairly juvenile. (Roquelaure's "Exit to Eden" is far superior in language and subject.) But to the main reason I bring this up, there is a fundamental problem I have recently found with this story. For myself, I have been twisted and unable to enjoy it.
Beauty seems to merely drift through her world, never choosing anything that happens to her. Yes, at the end of the book she makes a decision to run off, but before her transformation begins, before she is subjected to what is essentially a reprogramming of the mind, she simply puts up with everything. She could run off at any time in the book, but the story starts off by letting the reader know that this is not a story about chosen submission. By the manner of her claiming, Beauty is literally forced into this roll.
I have found upon this most recent reading, that I cannot sympathize or be amused by anything that happens to her. I do not empathize with her fear, her anxiousness, her passion or her humiliation. Why should I? She has merely been ordered to do these things under threat of unknown punishments and degradation, so of course she's going to be motivated to do them. There is really no comfort to the fact when she finds out that she will only be beaten until the skin breaks, and will not be mutilated or killed. Nor is there supposed to be.
Perhaps you could feel sorry for someone whose choices have been stripped away, because with those, go the right to form character and any hope of dignity and growth. And for those who have had this happen, and died because of it, I do feel sorrow. But for the purpose of submission, for my personal opinion, I find it meaningless. For me, there is absolutely no power where none has been given. Taking without consent is brutal, weak and disgraceful.
The story that unfolds for the reader, in my opinion, is not one about submission. It has little to do with it. How can character be forged when there have been no choices, and no actions to build upon? How is growth achieved when there is no meaning for the failure of mistakes? The tale of Prince Alexi is even more vivid in pointing out that this story does not seem to be about submission, but simply training and carnal pleasures. Yes, the author does hit on a few points where that feeling of admiration starts to form, but she continually contrasts it with some horrible, non-consensual act. If there was no way to choose freedom, and no way to end your life, would you want a life of misery and abuse, or one of borderline adoration?
If you are blackmailed, you are under distress. That is a situation where the worth of your choices are diminished. It is only when an individual has full control over their life do the choices they make begin to have any real meaning. Elliot, from "Exit to Eden", *IS* presented with such a situation, and that is why, when anything humiliating happens to him at the island, the reader can feel more strongly about his situation.
To date, I have not met any Dominants that want anything to do with non-consensual acts. However, I have met many who seem to think that one act of submission is a license for them to expect several other acts. And sadly, I have known too many submissives that seem to think that because a Dominant tells them to do something, they have to do it, or else they are breaking a bond.
A threat may create a situation where you have to choose between a rock and a hard place, but it will never beget a free choice. D/s is particularly dangerous for those who know little about it for this very reason. It is a well-used toy to back a submissive into a situation where they can "choose" between bad and worse, then proclaim simply that they didn't have to do anything in the first place. This, for many people, heightens their experience.
For me, it destroys it.
Entice me to do something because I've chosen it. Watch me do it with passion and joy, not fear and degradation. I cannot be won by threats and will not be taken by force. To do so, would destroy that which you were trying to claim. In what way has any pride been made when all you do is reduce a fine statue to a mess of graffiti? How have you conquered anything, if your only aim was to destroy it? The destruction of a character, and the lost ability of choices does just this. It is ugly and purposeless for me.
Of course, the real clincher here, is that almost every Dominant I've run into has the same feelings about what the sub should "want" to do. She should want to please her master. She should want to do whatever it takes. She should want to go through the depths of hellish humiliation all for the sheer pleasure of the Dom. This, of course means that all these men either understand (or perhaps don't care) that the choice of submission has already been made to a very deep extent. Like some pre-assembled toy, ready to go out of the box, I suppose.
I have no ill-will for those who have made these choices, but I do worry for them when they run into a Dominant. For myself, I would much rather meet a craftsman who knew how to mold fresh clay from the earth, than a merchant selling pots. Choice must be pivotal to my submission, or there simply will be none to offer. It is not hard to force a person to kneel with threats or taunts, but it is quite another act to convince someone with words, to think for themselves as to why they should even listen to that person and make the same choice.
