April 10, 2004, 11:34 p.m.
Author's Note: A brand new site design, a bit heavier on the graphics. My apologies to those on dial-up. The girl is from an "epic hentai" series called "Wordsworth". From what I've heard and read, it is supposedly one of the better H-series, though I have not seen it. I was unable to find an official site for this show, so if anyone knows of it, please let me know. For the most part, I am very happy with the new design and think this "incarnation" of my avatar, Mint, suits my personality much more than the old image. There is one small piece missing at the moment, but it will be added next week.
I would wager that many outsiders think of a D/s relationship as a one way road. Where people only take on one role or the other. But of course, those who have met others interested in this know that it can be rare to find someone who is only a dominant or a submissive. I understand this simple duality of human nature. So many that I know exhibit and crave to play both sides, including myself.
Why then, does it bother me when a dominant asks me to switch roles with him? Is it simply because it shatters an illusion? Am I uncomfortable being around male submissives? Is it possible I actually have something against these men? After all, I do like to release my dominant side on occasion. The catch is that I don't like to be two different sides with one person. Typically when I find a playmate, I set down some kind of ground rule about which role I'm willing to explore.
On a few occasions, I've broken this rule. And 95% of the time, I've felt disappointment. Dynamics always evolve between people as they get to know one another, so I suppose it's not a surprise when one feels drawn to another in a leadership or following role. Even without the D/s element, it happens every day. All those group assignments you get in class, that hierarchy always appeared. The reasons may have varied, but it's rare to have everyone working on an equal level without a leader.
Can these feelings be undone? In a few of the D/s novels, the theme of a power switch takes place. One person who had naturally asserted himself as the leader finds himself at the whim of the follower. Uncomfortable for both parties and sometimes destructive, it leads me to believe that it may not necessarily be "natural" for everyone to play all roles.
For myself, whenever I was presented with a group situation I was drawn to the role of a "second-in-command" or as the leader. I have never been comfortable with being a follower without a say in the direction. As I discussed in {Mental Algorithms} I
certainly don't feel comfortable as the "bottom" submissive. I don't consider myself a control freak as I can be passive in many situations, but I'm tempted to say I lean towards perfectionism. I am definitely not a 24/7 perfectionist, but in some situations I get so many ideas that I simply want them to be right, or else I feel as if I've cheated myself and any who might benefit from my actions.
"I wish he would do this. And why isn't he doing that? It would be much more effective if he added this. This sucks."
Could it be that I don't feel comfortable switching roles because it's too chaotic? Or possibly, is it that I don't feel as confident in the abilities of others, as I do with my own? There is one idea I know I fear. I wonder if when someone, who once I trusted and respected, turns and debases themselves for pleasure becomes distasteful to me.
Typically, I don't even like playing with male submissives. For the most part I find them too wrapped up in the physical side. In a mental state where they just want to do anything to get off. All that seems to do is make me feel like a jerk-off machine.
Granted I can think of thousands of ways to arrive at that spot, but the spot is always the same. Females, generally, seem to enjoy more of the mental aspects and delicate details woven into the play.
Perhaps I don't like switching (with men in particular) because it's boring and shallow. And yes, it does spoil the silly daydream illusion of the "always strong, unwavering master". Then again, why would I want someone who was that shallow? Who never wanted to explore other sides to himself, or better, explore the actions demands of his submissive. I really dislike hypocrites.
So I guess that leaves me with the question: "What would I want in a dominant, and why?"
