May 03, 2003, 10:26 p.m.
"Thinking too much" has always sounded insulting to me. Never mind -how- I'm
supposed to turn off my brain off (for now), but today I'm concerned with
why this is even an issue. In the future I'll probably talk about doormat
submissives versus those with a stronger mind, but today it's just about
me. To some extent, the level of this interference is perfectly healthy.
It is an empty mind that throws blind trust to any who come along. So why
do I feel like I need to shut off my brain to enjoy something?
Recently, I found myself in a scene with a slightly unusual gathering of players.
Who they are, is slightly unimportant. How I felt about being with them however,
is crucial. In a room with three other people, two Doms and one female sub, everyone
seemed to be relaxing and having a nice time. Except me. There I was, mind
ticking away, thinking about my role in it all. It seems like everyone but me can
just instantly fall into roles. Everyone else was ignoring, what I felt was
an obvious display of hierarchies.
I was supposed to be thinking, "I'm a sub, just relax and go along with your
Dom." Instead, I was caught up thinking about the other two players, who were
absorbed in themselves, and everyone's opinion of me and my actions. I couldn't
handle being a simple item of display. One of the Doms and the other sub were
putting out a display for myself and the other Dom. The other Dom simply wanted
me to sit on his lap with my legs spread. This was completely for his amusement,
and as I later found out, was intended to help push me into relaxing.
As the scene progressed, I politely asked the Dom I was with not to make me play
in front of the other two. I felt uncomfortable, embarrassed and I couldn't handle
thinking about where my place was in regards to everyone else. I was .. borderline
obsessed trying to figure out who was ultimately in charge, if I was higher up than
the other sub, and what was going to happen to me. Was my Dom going to make me
play with the other girl? Was I going to be on display for everyone and thus
forced 'below' everyone?
This wasn't just group anxiety. There were significant emotional relationships
already labeled on each one of the players. In addition, I was worried about
the f/f combination. While I've already rationalized the pleasures and positive
reasons for wanting to play with other women, I'm still hung up with the mental
aspect. I can't seem to settle down and think "It's just physical fun, don't
worry about it. You're both equal, you're not her sub, and you're not topping
her." But all I had to do was relax, let my Dom be in charge of the scene and
trust the people involved.
I just couldn't. I wanted out. Perhaps I'm not ready to share my attempts of
submission with other women, or people that already have deep, formed opinions
of my whole self. That leaves me with relative strangers in one-on-one scenes.
And that doesn't leave any room for progression, right? How am I going to
grow with people who barely know me? More importantly, how will I finally experience
true submission without trusting what my Dominants have in store for me?
Put your hand into my hand.
Put your head against my head
Put your lips against my lips
Put self consciousness aside
No redemption
No confessions
No distractions
No possessions
Let your blood run through my veins
Blade shall numb you from the pain
No tomorrows
Just submittance
No remorse of self indulgence
Just your body on my body
Want your thoughts of me inside
Let your hands run on my skin...
"Cold" by { VNV Nation }
When a Dom demands all these things of me, I want more than -anything- to give it,
to feel surrendered. I don't want to be thinking, "Oh gosh, now what? What's next?
What if? .... I can't!" I need to quiet my mind, not give it up. I need this so
I can feel the full effect of the scene that has been planned specifically for me.
I need to stop worrying about superficial fears (that I've already decided I shouldn't
even have) so that he can work his magic. Ok... but how?
