May 02, 2003, 2:02 a.m.
To be submissive means to be under the control of another. Submission in D/s is not
mere acquiescence. Because it is earned through progressive trials of trust and
desired behaviour, it becomes something more than just passive slavery. What the sub
earns from the Dominant is trust. The sub has felt able to give up her concerns about
the particulars of a scene and can relax, giving her care to another. In a way, this
kind of trust is the deepest bond two humans can have with one another. It is ultimate and
complete. But the Dominant earns something very precious in return.
Obedience. "1: dutiful or submissive behavior 2: the trait of being willing to obey 3:
behavior intended to please ". A very strong term to accept in my life.
Dutiful, because it has been earned. Willing, because it was my choice to try. To
please, because He has made me pleased as well. There are many things in bdsm
that should not be taken lightly, and this is one of them. The more you care about
what it is you're doing to yourself, then ultimately, the more it will mean to both
you, your partner, and the community.
I seem to be obsessed with the give and return involved with all of this. I can't seem
to relax and just accept it as one huge playful game. I have too much respect for the
potential meanings behind everything to not worry about it. I can't just sit back and
"play" at being submissive. I demand to feel it, I demand to understand it, and I demand
to see it respected for it's whole worth. Obedience is something I will have to give up to someone
else, and that's a huge deal for an independent person.
I respect myself. I have a strong sense of self-worth and integrity. Simple logic says,
the more I have of these things, the more I must learn how to quiet myself and relax to
be a successful, happy and pleasing submissive. If this is such a trial for me, why am I
even going through it? What's the big deal about showing someone else, a mere human, my
own unique obedience? Why should I even bother if it's becoming so difficult and taxing?
This is not some shy attempt to simply find myself in someone else. Instead, it is an
ordeal I have chosen to go through to expose who I already am to another. I personally
believe that if you are able to do this without much introspection, then either you're
incredibly shallow, or you're not really letting yourself go. So I openly admit that I'm
having a hard time just relaxing into all of this, but still... why am I doing it?
In a way, having obedience to another person means you've become very accepting of who
they are. You have gained enough confidence in another person that you're willing to give
everything you have to adore, dote and please him. You have done this without giving up
who you are, because in turn, you are the object of the very same affections from the
Dominant. Obedience like this, through submission, at least for me, requires me to learn
very pious behaviour. My actions will be very similar to devotion and even worship.
I will be responsible for the happiness and well being of my Dominant. I am to tend to and
care for the more mundane activities that will allow him greater control in our scenes and
lifestyle. Again, we meet that heavily weighted balance. I will take care of the little
things so that the big things can happen smoothly for him. This all sounds very much like
piety; "A devout act, thought, or statement".
The real thing can be extremely beautiful, rare and sacred. Most of all, it is sincere.
Submission without thought is like using light bulbs to replace the sun. It might look the
same, but the effect on your life is quite different. In many of my daydreams, I wish I could
be a priestess. Worshipping the greatness of another with absolute, unwavering belief that
-this- is what I wanted, brings a certainty to my life; a confirmation in my chosen
path. I want to be absolutely sure, to the core of my being, that my obedience is real and
cherished. So maybe that sounds a bit too fairy-taleish or worse, a bit too much like I want
a Dominant I can revere as a god.
Again, I suppose I need to feel this way because of the balance. Obedience without thought
is what you get when you train a dog. But what a gift it must be to receive genuine
obedience. To know that this person absolutely adores you and craves to make you just as
happy and fulfilled as you have made her. It has been earned and won, but it will keep
growing deeper with every single day. It has become a loyal bond between two willing souls.
What is given, has been returned. These feelings are not the same, and they are not equal.
But they balance each other out, making the other stronger.
In the end, I want to experience obedience because, quite simply, I believe it will make me
happy. I think there is a beautiful joy in the purity of this kind of act. There is no need
for secrets or deceit. No room for shame. I will be who I am, without these negative aspects,
and feel wonderful for it.
