April 28, 2003, 11:39 p.m.
So far, the general attitude in my articles has pretty much seemed
fine and dandy and portrayed an "all is well" kind of feeling. If that was
honestly the case, there wouldn't be much need for this journal. The real
issue that I continually face over and over is when I come to an internal
conflict and freeze up. The culprit here is subspace. Every sub I know,
and every case that I've read, about what is experienced, seems completely
unique. There is, however, some mild consensus on at least one of the
phases many subs go through.
The "Dumb Blonde" stage is an mindset that seems to arise when the only
questions asked, that can be answered somewhat correctly, are with a
"yes" or "no" answer. Environment judgement and self-evaluation seems to evaporate into
a temporary black hole along with complex words and phrases to describe
wants and feelings. In my own case, I find that when I hit subspace
I slip far enough that talking becomes physically difficult. Sometimes
I can blurt out a word or two, but there is a question of whether I
actually mean what I'm saying, or if I'm only verbalizing somewhat
random words in my head. "How do you
feel?" ... "good". "Good", is about as vauge as it gets,
and if a sub answers with that word, knowing that they're focused
on internal struggles or hyperfocused on the scene, you can pretty
much assume the only reason they used that word, is because it's the
only one in their head. At least, that's what happens to me.
This is a major source of frustration for me. This is mostly because
a Dominant needs to know where I am, what I want, and what will push me.
It is especially an issue when not dealing with a face to face scene,
such as over the phone. What can the dom do if he can't see that I'm
physically struggling to answer his questions and carry out his requests?
What happens when we run into a situation I'm not mentally prepared for,
didn't even think to bring it up before hand as a limit, and find myself
faced with trying to explain my displeasure. While under the strong push
of subspace, my mind is focused on trying to please. Hello Conflict.
I want to please, I have a desire to let myself go, and yet when my mind
is presented with something face to face, it screams, "Oh no you don't!".
I freeze up, I can't communicate, and worst of all, I feel like an utter
failure. I wasn't able to do as he asked, much less please him with my
cooperation and obedience. Just a few days ago, I was so frustrated with
being in scene after scene where either I didn't sink at all, or when I did,
I flipped out before having anything happen that I wrote the following email
to someone. The person I scened with was very understanding of my 'episode'
and even took the time to point out my good attributes.
If i had a successful session somewhere that I didn't freak out and start
crying, I might believe [his compliments]. If I thought I could do more than just kneel
without falling into emotional turmoil, it might be true. But how can I
honestly go on believing that what I truly want is to be a submissive, when
time after time of trying, my mind seems to refuse the allowance?
I fail.. every single time. I am incapable of turning it all off, shutting
up my mind, being stupid on purpose, ignoring the obvious, being an orgasmic
light switch (great! you're turned on and horny, now i'm going to use you
and make you want something else while I get off.. in the mean time, you
can't get off. Ok, now you can get off. What's the problem? Why aren't
you getting off? .. Why did you lose steam? I thought you were getting into
this.), explaining what my "problem" is, "what is it that blocks" me, having
premonitions of what random thing that might come up into the Dominants head
(which if he told me would ruin the unknown/fear/push/control factor) that
could potentially cause me to wig out, and most of all completely dismissing
the person who i've grown up to be, who I feel is the best person I could
possibly be, just for the sake of making other people feel better about
themselves.
Sometime, a long time ago, I had successful drops. When I think about it, I
can't seem to remember any specific instances or scenes. I don't even know
if I can distinguish the difference between simply trancing out and sinking
into my head. While I was making this journal, I was intending this to be my
first entry and I foresaw a good deal of self-loathing and miserable feelings
for the future. In an odd turn of events, last night i had a very successful
session. I dropped to a mild level, and while I wasn't required to speak
I remained able to perform my actions while maintaining the delicious buzz.
My partner did an excellent job, feeling out what I wanted, where I was
mentally and when he could push. I didn't close up, although I felt some
tension, it was always quickly balanced out. I managed to stay in the full
state for well over 2 hours, and felt a lingering happiness all day today.
So it would seem there's hope for me yet. My desire really is there, and
I have access to it. I'll simply need to explore a little slower. Last night's
session has given me hope for the future and helped erase a little bit of that
endless void of hopelessness I felt so utterly trapped in. It would seem that
the complements I have been given in the past have not been in vain. So perhaps
someday I will make an excellent submissive. At least now, I can see it's
possibility.
