April 27, 2003, 3:20 a.m.
Of every sexual act I can think of, this one seems to be the easiest to enjoy, and perhaps the one I can connect most strongly with submission. So far, my favorite position with this is simply kneeling in front of his chair or couch while he sits. Perhaps in a way I feel protected and small. The personal space of my body confined by his strong legs, knowing his glance is on my motions from time to time, or just enjoying the bob of my head while my lips slide back and forth. There was one dom a while back who I felt particularly attached to. More than anything, I craved going down on him. I felt -perfect-. I was pleasing him, I felt content and to some extent it was a complete mental turn on. I don't think I knew it at the time, but I was probably urging myself towards cock worship.
When I feel good about the Dom I'm with, there is an exceptionally strong urge to go down on him. Considering I've not yet swallowed yet, I think this is interesting. I want to kneel quietly before him, dote little kisses and licks, nuzzle his flesh, feel it along my cheek and tease my way over him before suckling. I feel a warm sigh, a sense of serenity and delicious satisfaction. Thinking about it now, I don't know if it drives me more to hear his sounds of pleasure, or for him to grip my hair and begin taking what he wants. But I do know that the slow tease is something I greatly enjoy. I don't seem to have a problem with it mentally, but I don't know if I honestly sink at all. (It's hard for me to tell the difference anyway. I'll talk about that some other time.)
What is that sensation I feel when I manage to raise my eyes to his after my lips have been on his flesh, mouth still parted lightly with a glisten of spit. Best case scenario, when I feel strongly about him.. I would classify it as devotion.
. o O (I would do anything to stay down here between your legs if you keep looking at me like -that-. I want to feel your hard flesh against my lips for a moment more, another suckle, a longer lick. I want to wrap my lips over the head and feel your hand at the back of my head, pushing me further.)
I want to move my entire body closer to the chair, fold my arms up against my chest and just keep pleasing him like this. I know he loves it, and if I do it the best I can.. he'll love it even more.. he'll see how safe i feel near him. Is that too romantic or laden with fantasies from someone who might have had some kind of messed up virgin fetish? Probably.Recently, I've met several men who not only enjoy blowjobs, but also have cum fetishes and desires to use a mouth hard. Oddly, the cum fetish is something that allows me to keep this sense of delicacy I seem to have covering all my thoughts. I can play with it, slide it over my face and be slow, languid and playful. Even though I'm not touching him, the tease is still going on. Once his cum is on my hand, I treat it like his cock. Doting over every inch, licking and kissing while knowing full well I'm simply being watched and enjoyed. I don't know if my mind is reacting to the supposed nastiness of the situation (yet another topic to touch on later) or if I'm simply enjoying it. I would guess that because I have no real hangups with going down, and that it's something I basically enjoy doing, I'm probably getting what I want out of being a submissive. Happiness from the other person that I've done a good job.
