April 26, 2003, 1:22 a.m.
I believe I mention on my author page that I didn't actually find out about BDSM till around 17 or 18, however, I have known all my life that I was probably different. I'll start by saying that there is no history of abuse or mental trauma in my family, or anything shocking happening in my life. I grew up with two wonderful parents, upper middle class type situation. We went on holidays, I never got to skip school on my birthday and after 30 years, my parents are still happily married. There were always thoughts in my head about finding myself in odd situations
I learned how to get myself off at the age of 5, and it always involved some kind of pain administered to my legs. Digging my nails in or pressing the shin up against a table leg so hard the pain would numb my brain a bit, and leave a nasty dent in the skin. I also learned a way to do it so that it's mostly invisible to passerbys (no hands method). I don't believe I'm much of an exhibitionist, but I do believe this confirms my sadomasochistic side.
But I felt submissive urges much sooner than 17. Perhaps around 12 or so I had fantasies of being put on display, tied up, displayed and examined like a thing for sale. As if I was simply chattel. In 3rd grade I remember having fantasies about having to please every boy in the class. Maybe my mind was just bored, but I have to wonder, "Where did all these thoughts come from?"
As I established before, I grew up in a safe household. It wasn't overly conservative, but not overly liberal either. I got the sex talk just like every other kid, but it's not like it involved whips and chains. My mother is not a submissive weakling, but instead a wonderfully intelligent, hard working type. She has been successful on her own, as has my father. Neither of them strike me as anything outside of a very healthy vanilla relationship. I have no memories of bad movies, raunchy magazines or anything even remotely similar to my experiences and thoughts -before- having them.
So do I just have an active mind, or is there something ingrained in me beyond the basic template? That sounds a little .. out of touch. Maybe I'll find an answer along the way.
