April 25, 2003, 11:57 a.m.
I was asked to write down what I think submission is, what about it appeals to me, and what it involves. Initially, I stumbled over this, saying "submission is to submit, relinquish control and having a desire to please." But that definition, while broad and encompassing, is much like saying "A writer writes." Granted, that's true, but it's not enough to become a novelist. "It's like you're asking me to dig the Grand Canyon when I've only just decided to buy a shovel." Asked to describe the very thing I'm trying to find is a tad daunting, but introspection is usually worth the time.
- What is submission?
Submission is the voluntary relinquishing of power, control and will to another. More important than focusing on the power exchange, I think the key to submission is the voluntary behaviour. While animals have a basic sense of individuality and some level of intelligence, humans are blessed to deal with their own moral, ethical and learned fears. We are our own judges of our actions and we have extra emotions like guilt, embarrassment and pride to overcome before placing ourselves in harm's way. Submission in itself has a slightly negative overtone in our society. Many people see it as something one should do to admit weakness or inferiority. Kneeling to a god or goddess is the most accepted form, while others may include political leaders backing down to support one another at the end of a race or backing off to consent to the orders of your employer.
In the case of BDSM, submission carries a different tone. It has very
little to do with being wrong, inferior or the meager creation of a higher
being. The three tenants, safe sane and consensual, also echo the
voluntary status. One who is forced or coerced into doing any kind of
act isn't submitting completely of his own free will. But someone who
genuinely says "take me, train me, push me," is. It is when
one person allows another to have unlimited access into the sub's life,
actions and thoughts. Of course, this isn't a light switch we're
talking about, but through submission, a person can gradually find what it
is about them that triggers certain reactions. With the direction of
another, a sub offers an open door to the path that makes them tick.
As I'll touch on a bit later, I believe submission is a voluntary, shared
exposure.
- Why does submission appeal to me?
There are many ways of finding your inner self. Not just that voice
you use to remember the grocery list or figure out the tax on your snickers
bar, but that feeling deep inside of you that ultimately belongs only to
you. Perhaps it is a soul, but it is simply touching on the inner
workings of my mind. How far can I go? How deeply and completely
can I know myself? Even then, how willing am I to share and express
that vital core to another? Having free will means we have a choice in
what we give to others. Submission is not a test of altruistic
behaviour where you do something solely for the enjoyment of another.
The very fact that it's voluntary means we must derive some pleasure,
hopefully an intense one, out of doing it.
I want to feel completely aware of my total being, not just the external
headspace I use to get me through the day. Of course, it's not
practical to be in such a deep mental place 24/7 because like it or not,
there are mundane and boring things we all must do to get through
life. I suppose for me, submission is similar to a shared
meditation. One person guides me and I follow as best I can. I
get the pleasure of sinking into myself for a while. Is it
escapism? No. That would mean I do it to -avoid- who I am.
Through submission, I seek to find out more about myself and additionally,
share it with someone else. Being a private person, that's a huge goal
to overcome. It means I'll have to have an incredibly strong sense of
self-worth. This isn't therapy; it's meant to be enjoyed and
celebrated.
There is also the matter of trust. Trust is earned in endless ways
over the course of life. It is not limited to lovers and family.
Trust is also not blind faith. Trust is the embodiment of integrity
and ability one person has -given- to another. Again, it's
voluntary. You can't force someone to trust you. Submission is a
physically intimate show of trust. I trust I will not be abused,
deceived or treated unfairly. You trust that I will be honest and
sincere in what I give. Through various acts and over time, trust is
earned and created in both partners.
- What does submission involve?
This is the hard question. It is wholly personal for both the dominant
and the submissive. What does the dominant wish to control, and how
would the submissive like to relinquish? But I believe this question
goes beyond the various kinks, toys and scenes we can be involved in.
Some might say that there is an alteration of behaviour. I would
prefer to think of it as exposure. How does the submissive react under
various stimuli and situations? We can overcome inhibitions, fears and
doubts in a controlled environment and continually push ourselves
further.
It involves sharing. Some people see submission as a chance to relax
and let it all go, others see it as something more of a balance with two
extremely heavy weights on either side. There is a split in
activities, and unlike a vanilla relationship, the emotions are slightly
different as well. From my own experience, I can say that what I feel on the
dominant side is extremely different from the submissive. What you do
in a D/s relationship is not necessarily equal, but should be felt equally
as strong by both partners. Giving up privacy is a huge aspect of
submission as well. Submission is a process of relinquishing that which you need to survive to the care of another. It is not simply "I trust you not to kill me", but "I freely give to you
access and the control of myself that keeps others out". Submission is an intimacy of the
mind.
It also involves release. At some point on my journey, I'll have to
somehow say "ok, I will," even if that's something that goes
against my own desires. Why I do this is to gain trust in my dominant
and allow him to guide me past my mental roadblocks. The dominant
can't push if I don't let go, but I can't release unless I've been eased up
to a more comfortable point. Step by step, the dominant figures out
where the submissive has the potential to go, and along with his own
desires, is able to nudge the sub in that direction. Much like
learning to ride a bike, at some point dad isn't going to be holding that
seat anymore. You don't know when, and you're pretty sure he's still
back there, but then you look back, and realize you've been doing it on your
own. You didn't get there alone, but you did it with encouragement and
practice.
I feel like I haven't covered it all, and that pieces are missing, and that
some of it might not even make sense. I think I'll come back to this in a
few months or so and see if anything has changed. The question really is
gargantuan... but I have a long time to find my answers.
